I was shocked this morning. I worked all night and got home to go to bed. Cup of coffee, (yes...before bed..lol. Just don't even try to understand me) brush the teeth..skip washing the face. I settled into my sheets unaware of any noise around me and began to pray...like I always do...just before I went to sleep. And then I panicked. I couldn't pray. I was at a loss for words. Have I ever been unable to pray? To just have a conversation with God? I am not sure I remember a time like that. But this morning...it happened. So out of control. Wanting answers to things I don't have answers for. Sleep came quickly. Without prayer.
My phone blew up all day. I have to keep it on in case the school or hospital call, so I am typically disrupted multiple times during the day. It's not hard to fall back to sleep. Each time I was awakened in a fog...as I read random emails and messages that came across my blackberry from FaceBook. As I read each one, I wept. To know that in my weakness I was able to encourage others. For people to tell me how strong I am to even admit this life is a difficult one and put away the fascade that I am not perfect, or unbreakable, or human. God speaking to me through it all. Telling me I do not hear Him because I am not listening. Which is true. A phone call from an amazing man came. I don't typically pick up the phone while I am post-all-nighter, but I did this time even though the number was only somewhat familiar. He told me he needed to see if I was okay. He said he wanted to pray with me over the phone. God sent an angel to me this morning at 11:30. To pray for me because I could not find the strength to pray for myself. More messages of encouragement, then cards in the mailbox from the unexpected. God sending me gifts in the mail even when I have stopped seeking Him. Wow. I am being broken.
I've realized this has stopped being about Tim and is becoming about me. When my life has become so incredibly preoccupied with the life we must lead, a parent, a caregiver, a wife, a worker, and an encouragement to others.....I don't know where I fit in when it has all taken an abrupt stop. Slowing down....in the way that I have....the break in the routine, per say, has left me questioning what there is beneath the surface of it all. I don't want to be left with nothing if God were to take Tim home. That's where my mind has drifted these last couple of weeks. It's Satan...I know that...but the fact remains those things have surfaced. I have dealt with them on my own. Don't try that at home....very dangerous...lol.
Ecclesiastes 8:8-10 (New International Version)
8 No man has power over the wind to contain it;
so no one has power over the day of his death.
As no one is discharged in time of war,
so wickedness will not release those who practice it.
9 All this I saw, as I applied my mind to everything done under the sun. There is a time when a man lords it over others to his own hurt. 10 Then too, I saw the wicked buried—those who used to come and go from the holy place and receive praise in the city where they did this. This too is meaningless.
Getting my MOJO back I hope. Don't think that your encouragement is not needed or read even though I do not respond. And while I am at it, if you would, help me do what I have been best at doing. If I cannot pray for myself right now, how can I pray for you? I would love to start there. Perhaps by interceding on your behalf I will hear Him loud and clear. And ask yourself a question. What have you done today to make a difference in somebody's life? Someone made an enormous difference in mine this morning. I look forward to seeing what I can do in return for someone else. Challenge yourself today.